


Good Things Come in Threes

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Blow Jobs, Dirty Talk, Dream Sex, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, Humor, Leashes, Lingerie, M/M, Multi, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 11:12:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4958278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister + Low Rimmer + High Rimmer = Sex</p><p>A re-imagining of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie">Janamelie's</a> incredible <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/4801061/chapters/10989329">Three's Company</a>. Written for the <a href="http://rdficfest.tumblr.com/">Red Dwarf Fic Remix Fest</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Things Come in Threes

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Three's Company](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4801061) by [Janamelie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie). 



> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg together.

"Hello, my pretty." The voice, as coarse as the back of a rattlesnake, hissed through the chill ship’s air. The hair on the back of Lister's neck stood on end, and every blood vessel in his body suddenly redirected its flow southward.  

"Smeg," he muttered as a figure began to blur into view. There was no mistaking the fishnet stockings, leather jacket, and tight corset. The space around the figure shimmered like a mirage, and Lister rolled his eyes inwardly at himself as he realized he was dreaming. The same dream, again. This was really starting to get ridiculous. The figure stepped forward, the chain running from his nose to his ear clinking ominously against his spiked collar.

Lister only had a moment to feel ashamed of the enormous erection forming in his trousers, before the blessed indifference of his subconscious took over. A set of leather clad hands twisted themselves around his locks, and jerked him forward. "I told you, that I was going to have you." Low Rimmer sneered as he flicked his tongue like a viper before mashing his mouth against Lister's. Lister gasped as a serpentine tongue grappled with his own. Low Rimmer yanked on Lister's locks until his head was twisted back. Lister yelped in pain as the aberration bit and sucked at his neck, growling and snarling like an ill-tempered Alsatian.

“That’s too hard,” Lister winced as he attempted to push Low Rimmer away from him. “You’re hurting.” Low Rimmer curled his lip and tugged harder on Lister’s dreads. Pain seared across Lister's neck and scalp as he gasped.

“But I _want_ to hurt you,” Low Rimmer crooned, his voice dripping like poisoned honey. He dragged the fingers of his other hand down Lister’s face and Lister flinched as he felt nails digging into him.

“No, I don’t want this. I don’t want it like this.”

“Oh, but you _do_.” Low Rimmer slid his palm down Lister’s neck and chest, until it settled on the growing bulge. He stretched his long fingers down the full length, and squeezed it firmly. Lister’s vision grew spotty as desire flooded through him. For just a brief moment, the shame resurfaced before being quickly sunk by an urgent wave of lust. “Smeg,” he muttered as Low Rimmer continued to fondle him with rough, demanding strokes through the fabric of his trousers.

“You _want_ me to hurt you, and I’m going to hurt you like you’ve never been hurt before.” Low Rimmer grinned as he squeezed Lister firmly in his fist. Lister only had time to grit his teeth as he braced himself against the pain, before another voice rang through the air, like the tinkling of wind chimes.

“Let him be, brother.”

Low Rimmer growled, releasing Lister’s packet from his vice-like grip as he turned to the intruder. Lister opened his eyes to a warm glow, and an angelic figure, clad in robes of white. “Smeg," he whispered. "You too?”

High Rimmer tipped his head towards Lister in reverence. “My love, for thee I would cross the very..."

"You can't have him!" Low Rimmer shrieked as he yanked possessively at Lister’s locks. “And I’ll not let him be. He is _mine,_ and I _will_ have him.”

“Brother,” High Rimmer intoned, “I’ll not ask thee again. Leave him be, or else.”

“Or else, what?” Low Rimmer snorted as he scoffed.

“Or I shall be forced to put a stop to this,” High Rimmer’s voice was grave, as he looked sternly at his counterpart.

“I’d like to see you try,” Low Rimmer hissed as he turned back to Lister, the crooked H on his forehead flashed an ominous red as it reflected the ship's lights.

A sudden crack rang out through the air, and a holowhip wrapped itself around Low Rimmer’s neck, yanking him to the ground, and forcing him to release his grip on Lister’s locks.

High Rimmer stood like an angelic Indiana Jones, the holowhip gripped firmly in his right fist, and Low Rimmer mewling pathetically at his feet. The hologram fumed with anger as he tried to untangle the whip from his spiked collar. High Rimmer looked down at his demonic other-half, his eyes soft with compassion. “I do not wish to hurt thee brother, but I cannot let thee cause him harm.” He wrapped his other arm protectively around Lister’s shoulders.

Lister stood, gnawing at his lower lip, his erection crying with neglect in his trousers. “Couldn’t, couldn’t he cause me just a wee bit of harm? I mean, no broken bones or anything like that,”

“Nay, my dearest.” High Rimmer suddenly gripped Lister firmly in his arms, and dipped him to the ground like a ballroom dancer. “I would protect thee at all costs. For my love for thee burns like the fires of all of the stars in the galaxy.” Lister gazed up at the High, starry-eyed as the hologram lunged forward and ravaged him with a kiss. His hands rummaged through Lister’s tight curls as he awkwardly kept his grip on the holowhip. Lister melted against him, the kiss making every vein in his body throb. He slid his hands across the hologram's body, marveling at the firm muscles that were camouflaged by the pious robes. High Rimmer broke away from the kiss, spinning Lister back to his feet with a flourish. Lister swayed, jelly-legged as High Rimmer tried to come to grips with himself, “A thousand apologies my brother. My senses do tend to desert me when I am in thy company.”

Low Rimmer lay snarling, and cowed on the floor, his brows creased with frustration. “I tell you, he is _mine_." He pulled himself to his feet and yanked Lister towards him. Lister tumbled awkwardly into Low Rimmer’s arms where he found himself pulled into another kiss, this one as feverish and lascivious, as the other kiss had been dashing and romantic. Lister moaned as he clung to the Low like an insect to a tree branch. Low Rimmer took Lister's lower lip between his teeth and began gnawing on it.  

"Ay! Easy! Go easy!" Lister hissed.

High Rimmer yanked firmly at the holowhip, and his evil twin grunted, and reluctantly dropped Lister's swollen lip.

"Be kind to him brother. It pains me to have to hurt thee so." High Rimmer's eyes shimmered as he gazed at Low Rimmer in pity. He pulled Lister back, and ran his fingers reverently down the side of his cheek. "He is more precious, and dear to me than the very universe itself. I'll not see one hair on his head damaged."

"But want to _have_ him." Low Rimmer gnashed his teeth in frustration as he dropped back to his knees. "And he wants me!" He gestured pointedly to the tent in Lister's trousers. High Rimmer glanced down, his expression full of disbelief.

"Is this true brother? Dost thou truly desire this... this cur?"

Lister did his best to look past the mountain rising from his trousers, to stare at his boots in embarrassment. "Well, yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want you too. You're gorgeous and lovely and everything a man in their right mind could want, and he's a bit mad and someone you'd run away from if you saw them in a dark alley. But damn if he isn't sexy. Those stockings, man. They just... They do something to me. And all that skimpy lingerie, and..." Unbeknownst to himself, Lister had begun to sink to the ground, and his tongue found it's way back into Low Rimmer's mouth.

"You see, brother?" Low Rimmer crooned in a mocking imitation of his cherubic double. "How can you refuse the wishes of one you claim to love so dearly?"

A blissful expression spread across High Rimmer's face. "Thou speaketh the truth my brother. I cannot stand in the way of the desires of my love. But..." He punctuated the word with a yank of the holowhip. "Thou must promise not to hurt him, and be gentle with thy attentions."

"Gentle? Where's the fun in..."

"Gentle, my brother. Or not at all."

Low Rimmer stood and fumed, the holowhip dangling from his neck like a leash as he clenched his leather-clad fists. After a few moments, he pressed them to his hips and settled his face into a defiant pout. "Fine."

"Excellent, my brother. And I shall remain with thee, to be sure thou keepeth thy word." High Rimmer slipped behind Lister, wrapping his arms around him protectively, his hand still firmly gripping the handle of the whip. Lister sighed and settled back against the warm body.

Low Rimmer didn't waste any time as he quickly began to undo the snaps of Lister's trousers. Lister moaned, as the hologram tore into his clothing like a man possessed. Lister barely had time to register that his pants were down around his ankles, before he was engulfed by a wet, sucking mouth.

"Oh, smegging hell!" Lister cried out as he arched his back and pressed back into High Rimmer. The heavenly hologram purred, and nuzzled into the crook of Lister's shoulder.

"Thy pleasure bringeth me pleasure, my love."

Lister's mouth lolled open, and his knees grew weak as Low Rimmer devoured him like a ravenous wolf. He swallowed Lister to the hilt, bobbing up and down as he gripped him firmly, sinking his fingers deep into the soft flesh of Lister's backside. Lister let out a squeak, and High Rimmer gave a warning tug on the holowhip.

"Control thyself, brother."

"Oh, smeg," Lister muttered as he licked at his lips. "Oh smegging, smegging, _smeg_." He rocked back into High Rimmer, and the hologram began to lower him gently to the floor.

"Take care not to be too eager with thy attentions my brother. Make his pleasure last."

Low Rimmer grumbled around his mouthful, as he alternated between sucking and licking Lister's full length.

Lister sank back into the soft cloth of High Rimmer's robes. His arousal levels were reaching critical mass as Low Rimmer fellated him. He gazed down at the head of closely cropped brown hair, pumping away in his lap like a piston. Suddenly, his own head was tipped back gently and a pair of soft lips pressed to his. He ran his fingers through High Rimmer's curls as he kissed him back. The reverence and tenderness of the kiss, combined with the frantic attentions being given to his prick, was a mind-blowing contrast.

Lister pulled away from the kiss and murmured, "I want you to touch me too." He reached back and guided High Rimmer's hand under his shirt. The hologram moaned happily as he rubbed first one, and then the other pert nipple. Lister groaned with pleasure.

"To give thee pleasure, is my greatest pleasure."

Low Rimmer let Lister's cock drop from his mouth as he griped, "I will _not_ share him!"

"Oy!" Lister shouted in irritation as he grabbed the holowhip from High Rimmer's hand and yanked on it himself. "You'll share, and like it? Yeah? Now keep on sucking, you gorgeous, smegged-up bastard." He grabbed a handful of feathers at the back of Low Rimmer's head, and pressed him back down towards his prick. Low Rimmer opened his mouth and begrudgingly continued his administrations. "Oh smeg, yeah. And you," he twisted his head back towards High Rimmer. "C'mere," he grabbed the hologram's robes and pulled him into a passionate kiss. He could feel the High's growing erection pressing into the small of his back, and it only made him want more.

"Oh my beloved," cried High Rimmer as he pulled away breathlessly. "Thou art more lovely and benevolent than..."

"Enough with the flowery talk, man. I mean you're great and all, but it does get to be a bit much, you know?"

"A thousand pardons my dearest, I would..."

"Just shut up and get your cock out, now." Lister grunted as Low Rimmer sucked him in particularly deep.

"Anything that thou wishest, thou shalt receive, my love."

High Rimmer stood tall, raised his hands in supplication, and his robes melted away into nothing, leaving him naked, hard, and glistening wet. "Oh smeg," Lister murmured as he let his thirsty eyes drink in every inch of the hologram's toned body. He let his hands wander across the firm, flat stomach, before settling on the long, slender cock. The hologram's face was alive with bliss as Lister's fingers stroked him eagerly.

Lister laid on his back and noticed with some humor that the cold metal floor of the ship had somehow morphed into sumptuously soft piles of red satin that cushioned him in just the right places. He let his backside sink into the shimmery piles and directed High Rimmer to kneel over him. He slipped his hands around Rimmer's firm buttocks, and ran his tongue teasingly around the head of his cock before sliding his lips down the shaft. Lister moaned as the sweet, salty taste of the hologram ghosted over his tongue like a memory. Lister synced up his motions with Low Rimmer, suck matching suck, lick matching lick. As he thrust his hips up into Low Rimmer's mouth, he pressed High Rimmer's hips into his own. He pulled away, breathless as heat began to build in his toes.

"I can't... I can't take much more of this," he groaned as he slid his lips off of High Rimmer's stiff member and pushed the hologram to his feet.

Low Rimmer let Lister's cock fall from his mouth and grinned at him, a wicked gleam in his eyes. "Then I shall have you. At last."

Lister sat up and pulled the hologram forward by the edge of his leather jacket. "Don't be so hasty, man" And he kissed him roughly with full, reddened lips. Lister gestured to the hologram to stand up, and he joined his high counterpart. High Rimmer stood, elegant and masculine in his nakedness, like a painting from the Sistine Chapel come to life. Low Rimmer stood in delicious contrast, his eyes wild, his wiry body a tantalizing mix of bare skin, clinking chains and soft lingerie. After quickly shrugging off the rest of his own clothes, Lister pulled down the front of the Low’s silky panties and Rimmer's prick leaped out, hard as a rock, pre-come dripping from a Prince Albert piercing.

Lister dropped to his knees between the two holograms, and took a stiffened cock in each hand. He stroked them simultaneously, Low Rimmer bucking and growling like a beast as his foreskin dragged across the cool metal bar, High Rimmer shivering and declaring proclamations of his love as Lister milked him.

"I am not deserving of such attentions, my dear one."

"Shush," Lister whispered. "I'm having fun here." He began to lick the holograms’ thighs, alternating back and forth between the High’s smooth skin, and the Low’s textured fishnets. He dragged his tongue higher and higher until he began to lap at the soft skin between their legs. Each hologram placed a hand on Lister’s head. Low Rimmer anchored a tight fist in Lister’s locks, while High Rimmer threaded a gentle hand through his curls. Lister lowered his mouth to High Rimmer first, teasing his lips around the swollen tip as the hologram swayed on his feet. Low Rimmer let out a sound halfway between a groan and a whine as he pulled on Lister’s dreads.

“You’ve already done that to him!” He snarled through gritted teeth. “It’s not fair!”

“Hmmm?” Lister continued licking and sucking at High Rimmer’s cock as he gazed up at Low Rimmer, his face the picture of innocence. “Not fair is it? Well, maybe if you asked nicely.” He suddenly plunged his mouth down on High Rimmer’s prick, swallowing it down as much as he could, all the while keeping his eyes locked on Low Rimmer. The malevolent hologram turned pink with rage and jealousy as he watched the spectacle below him. His cock twitched and dripped as Lister fellated his double.

“Please,” Low Rimmer whispered, his face downcast.

“Mmmm… what was that?” Lister hummed around his mouthful.

“ _Please!_ ” Low Rimmer grumbled, his cheeks burning with frustration.

“Please wha’?” Lister bobbed up and down energetically and High Rimmer threw his head back and began to sing an uplifting hymn.

“ _Please suck my cock you complete, and total bastard!_ ”

Lister grinned as he pulled his mouth off of High Rimmer, “Sorry love, his turn next, and he did say please.”

“Truly my dearest, the pleasures of thine mouth are not something that should be withheld selfishly,” High Rimmer gasped. “Thy silken tongue should be experienced by all who are fortunate enough to be within its reach.” The rapturous hologram folded his hands in front of him, and dipped his head in a bow.

“Thanks man,” Lister licked his lips as he shifted closer to Low Rimmer and gazed up at him as he stood, a tower of sensual skin and lingerie. Lister ran his palms up and down the hologram’s stockinged thighs before trailing his tongue across the metal of his piercing. Low Rimmer gripped Lister’s locks tighter in his hand as Lister teased his tongue in an enticing circle.

“Oh yes,” Low Rimmer murmured as Lister touched his lips to the swollen head with feathery lightness. “You’ve always wanted this haven’t you? You want to suck me. You want to feel my hard cock filling up every inch of those soft cheeks. You want to swallow me until you gag. And then you want me to fuck you, don’t you?” Lister groaned as the dirty talk made his own cock, still swollen and sticky with the Low's saliva, ache for release. He dove onto the hologram's cock, his lips brushing against clean-shaven skin as he swallowed as much as he could.

“Oh you dirty, dirty boy. You do want me to fuck you. You want me to bend you over and fuck that gorgeous, round arse of yours.” Low Rimmer gasped as he pumped his hips into Lister’s mouth, pushing his cock deeper still. “You want me to bury my cock in you balls-deep, and ride you so hard you won’t be able to sit for weeks.”

“Oh smeggin’ hell,” Lister muttered as he pulled off of Low Rimmer with a gasp. He turned and pounced on High Rimmer’s waiting cock for a few moments, before going back to Low Rimmer again. Back and forth he went, like the universe’s most inappropriate game of pass the parcel, until he couldn’t take it anymore.

“You,” he gestured at High Rimmer, "I want you on your knees, now."

"My only wish, is to fulfill thy wishes, my beloved." High Rimmer practically beamed as he dropped obediently to the satin-covered floor next to Lister.

“I need something though,” Lister looked around him hurriedly and noticed the room around him was literally littered with candles, and bowls of scented oil along with the numerous drapes of silky fabric. “That’s got to be some sort of a fire hazard,” he mumbled as he reached to the nearest bowl, hurriedly dipped his fingers in and oiled up his prick, giving it a thorough coating. “Let me know if it hurts,” Lister whispered into High Rimmer’s ear, dotting a line of kisses from the hologram’s neck to his lower back as he positioned himself behind him.

“Thou art more tender and loving than I could ever deserve, my beloved,” the High gasped in ecstasy as Lister slid into him gently. Lister’s vision went blurry as he felt the High’s tight muscles, squeezing him in a divine grip.

“I’ll not be so kind with you,” Low Rimmer hissed into Lister’s ear. Suddenly something hot, hard and dribbling pressed up against him.

“Oh smeg,” Lister moaned as Low Rimmer yanked on his locks and began to bite at his neck. Lister winced as he noticed that the Low had finally managed to untangle himself from the holowhip; it lay in a pile, no more threatening than a garden snake.

“I’m going to fuck you until you can’t see straight.” The Low slid himself into Lister roughly, and Lister gasped at the sensations hitting him from both ends: the firm grip of High Rimmer around his cock, and Low Rimmer filling him from behind.

“Oh god,” he groaned as Low Rimmer began to fuck him hard and fast.

“I’m going to make you come so hard they’ll be able to hear your screams in other dimensions.” He began to pump into Lister hard enough that Lister’s backside began to sting from the slapping of their skins.

“Oh smegging hell,” Lister cried out, gritting his teeth as he began to come apart at the seams.

“Is... he... hurting... you... my... beloved?” High Rimmer gasped out in staccato bursts between Lister’s thrusts.

Lister grunted incoherently in response, gripped onto the High's hips and drove into him harder, urged from behind by the Low’s thrusts into him.

“Oh my beloved! My love reaches completion!” High Rimmer cried out as he stiffened, his muscles clamping down on Lister.

“Oh smegging, smegging _hell!_ ” Lister screamed and squeezed his eyes shut as the Low pounded into him at a furious pace and his orgasm began to rip through him like a cyclone.

 

* * *

 

Lister awoke panting in the bunk, a head of bronze curls bobbing rhythmically in his lap.

“Oh God!” He cried out as he dove his fingers into Rimmer’s hair and pumped his hips eagerly. “Rimmer, what’re you doin’?”

Rimmer pulled off with a wet slurp and dead-panned, “You’ve been humping my left hip for the past twenty-three minutes, and I got tired of you having all of the fun.”

“Oh smeg,” Lister gasped as Rimmer dropped his head back into his lap, and resumed sucking. Within seconds, Lister gripped onto the sheets and screamed, his orgasm thundering up from his toes as he spilled his load into the hologram’s mouth. He gasped and trembled, his back curved into an arch until the last drop was sucked from him. He fell back to the mattress with an exhausted plop, every muscle in his body twitching and shivering.

Rimmer wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, smirking as he crawled up to lay alongside Lister. Lister lay utterly spent, his mouth hanging open, and his eyelids at half-mast. After a few moments he turned toward the hologram and mumbled, “You should be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of me like that while I’m asleep.” He kissed Rimmer and fell back to the pillow with a smug grin.

“Me? Take advantage? If anything’s been taken advantage of, it’s my poor hip. If I’d let you keep at it, you’d have drilled a hole through the damn thing.”

“Another hole? You’d probably like that,” Lister yawned as he snuggled up to the hologram.

“You keep on having these dirty dreams and I’ll wind up looking like a packet of ship’s issue Swiss cheese.” Rimmer smirked as he pulled the blankets around the both of them. “Was it the same dream again?”

“Sort of,” Lister mumbled into Rimmer’s chest. “It was both of them this time though.”

“Both of them? You mean that hippy-dippy moron in the sandals was there too? Good God, Lister. What did he do? A dance interpretation of your glorious erection?”

“Oh shut it, you,” Lister shoved Rimmer playfully and settled his head in the crook of the hologram’s shoulder. “It was a nice dream.”

“You’d better watch it miladdo, I may start getting jealous if these dreams keep up.” Rimmer ruffled the curls on top of Lister’s head.

“Why should you be jealous? I’m just dreaming of you.” Lister wrapped his arms around the hologram and pulled him close.

“Yes, a sexual sadist, and a flouncy ponce, Lister. That sounds _just_ like me.”

“It’s not that,” Lister murmured as he fought off sleep. “They’re two different extremes, but they’re both you. I’m actually really lucky.”

“Lucky?” Rimmer looked perplexed.

“Yeah. I get all the best bits, without having to put up with all the other smeg.”

“Listy, you’re probably the only man who could manage to take a dirty dream and see it in a romantic light. You’re a first-class, sentimental sop.” Rimmer waited for an elbow to the ribs, or a two-fingered salute, but Lister had already fallen asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing threesomes is hard. 
> 
> High Rimmer is supposed to contain all of Rimmer's best qualities, and once I made the connection that Ace Rimmer is similarly supposed to be Rimmer at his full potential, I couldn't help but to imagine that High Rimmer would be a bit Ace-like, especially when he's wooing his Listy.


End file.
